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Jokes

10 Great Consumer Labels

1. On Sears hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping."

(But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

 

2. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestions: Defrost."

(But it's "just" a suggestion)

 

3. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):

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10 Fun Ways To Order A Pizza


1.    Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

2.    When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.

3.    Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

4.    Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

5.    Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

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10 Fun Things to Do In a Grocery Store

1.    Jump out from behind shelves, displays, etc. and yell, "Peek-a-boo!" at people.

2.    If someone asks where something is, say, "Oh, is THAT what you call it now?" ::wink wink::.

3.    Walk up to the employee at the register and say, “Hi, How may I help you?”

4.    If you are an employee: after scanning everything, ask the customer if they want fries with that.

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10 Comparisons between Prison Life and a Full-time Job

1.    In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

2.    In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

3.    In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

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Jerry Seinfeld Comedy Leather Jacket Cows Shrink

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

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Jerry Seinfeld Comedy God Bless You Atheist Sneeze

God Bless You, is what we say to people when they sneeze.

What do I say to an Atheist when he sneezes?

Bless you?

No, you know why, because I am not the Lord.

Only God will say Bless You because he does not have to use the word God because he is the one.

So, I say God Bless you to a person standing next to me and guess what? He was an Atheist.

He said, excuse me, I am Atheist.

I said, so what, what am I suppose to say? There is no afterlife.

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Jerry Seinfeld Comedy Men in Tuxedo at Weddings

Women wear very pretty dresses at wedding while men have the same tuxedo. The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

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