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Jerry Seinfeld Comedy God Bless You Atheist Sneeze

God Bless You, is what we say to people when they sneeze.

What do I say to an Atheist when he sneezes?

Bless you?

No, you know why, because I am not the Lord.

Only God will say Bless You because he does not have to use the word God because he is the one.

So, I say God Bless you to a person standing next to me and guess what? He was an Atheist.

He said, excuse me, I am Atheist.

I said, so what, what am I suppose to say? There is no afterlife.

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Jerry Seinfeld Comedy Men in Tuxedo at Weddings

Women wear very pretty dresses at wedding while men have the same tuxedo. The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

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Jerry Seinfeld Comedy Conflict between Men and Women

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

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Jerry Seinfeld Comedy Suddle Car Alarm

Have you ever noticed that the car alarms sound like a crazy person, yaaa-waaaa-yaaa. I would like my car alarm to be more suddle. If you step near my car, it will say, "Hmmmm, .....,  Excuse me. Would you like to stand a little further, I like my space".

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Jerry Seinfeld Comedy Uncomfortable being Naked

People feel very uncomfortable when they are naked. I think this is because people like to adjust their clothes. They will be standing, adjusting and brushing off their shirt, adjusting their belt. This is why I like to wear a belt when I am naked. You know what I would like to have? Pockets with my belt.

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Jerry Seinfeld Comedy Ruining Appetite with Cookies

I gotta tell you. I am really enjoying being an adult. You can do whatever you want. For example, If I want a cookie, I can have a cookie. I can have 3 cookie or four cookies or 11 cookies. Sometimes, I intentionally ruin my appetite and then I call my mother to tell her that I did. "Hello mom, I just ruined my appetite with cookies." Because as an adult we understand that if we ruin our appetite, there is another on the way. There is no danger of running out of appetites.

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Jerry Seinfeld Comedy Bloodstain on Clothes

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

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Jerry Seinfeld Comedy My Doctor is the Best

Why do people say, "Go to my doctor, he is the best". How many best doctors can be there in the world? Somebody must be graduating from the bottom of the class. And they say, mention me. What would a doctor say, "Oh you know Bob. Wow, you know Bob! I will give you the real medicine".

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